I'm not sure if it's a part of it, but I still feel very iffy about sharing stuff online like... at what point is it oversharing? I get no one is perfect and everyone has a cringey aspect of themselves hidden somewhere, it's just a matter of acknowledgement, but then comes into play things like tolerances and politics and what is okay to say online and what is not and whether any of these have any aspect that may affect my future and if they'll come back to haunt me afterwards.
But there's also that desire to just. spill out and stop being scared of it, which would be easier if the consequences really are all just imaginary but they aren't, not in this time at least. Maybe a couple of generations down the road, or maybe will never be. The inevitability of people beating each other down is just that, an inevitability. There's nothing I can do that probably won't piss off someone, be it now or in the future, I'm just scared of the effect. Maybe it's because anonymous isn't really anonymous anymore, with the ability to be traced right down to real life identity just by saying something someone else doesn't agree with.
Feels like a #human problem, really.
23/3/2024
on time
I don't know which I value more sometimes, that I'm actively always wanting more time or that I'm just so tired of everything that I end up pissing away whatever time I managed to set aside on just like. wasteful things. like gaming or doomscrolling or even napping. it's kind of depressing to know that adult life really is just grind money eat money rinse and repeat but like. i want to make things, i don't want to have to attach a price tag to the things i make, because they're more an expression of myself rather than something to be sold. The time I sell to get money for food is time I can't get back, but the time I'm using to nap is also time I can't get back...
The obvious solution is to take my idealistic self out back and put them 6ft under, but i wish i had the stones to do it. To finally give up and just be another cog in the machine, but then it also sounds like a huge waste of life like that like why even exist then? maybe i cling onto the idea that existence should be forever too much. eventually i'll have no more energy left to outrun the disillusionment and then maybe i can finally give up overthinking all of these and just autopilot my way through the time i have left
Sounds like an even bigger waste of time really...
4/2/2024
like it's time and energy that i'm giving up but in exchange it really feels like i never have any more time to do anything else that i'd like to do and i can see how people eventually just. give up. there's no longer the freedom to simply create things unbidden because creation takes time and hours and resources that you just don't have enough of.
24/1/2024
My attempts at woodworking have went south and in my effort to scrub expired shellac off a bamboo drawer I ended up soaking my hand in turpentine. I feel like I was wearing a glove for the past two days and yesterday the outer layer of skin started peeling off. It's perfectly fine underneath the peeled layer, though. Serves me right for not wearing gloves.
Look, I'm a total noob at woodworking, the most I ever did was paint a sofa frame. It doesn't look good at all, the paint is blobby in places and didn't bring out the wood's natural colour underneath, plus it feels so... plastic after painting. Like I covered it with a coat of clingwrap. I think the paint(?) I used was polyurethane stuff? I don't even know, it was just a tin of paint/varnish Dad bought from a hardware store. Turned the frame from this dull woody brown to this... rosewood?-ish colour that looks so out of place.
Ma loves it though. She's turned the sofa frame into Charlie's bed. A whole sofa, just for Charlie. She's real proud even if it looks like utter shite. I think I'm happy with that.
2/1/2024
and then i pulled two raidens on my third 10-throw... losing it at the sheer irony
7/1/2024
thoughtstream moment
Yes the blogging part is a poorly disguised attempt at getting me to update more. Not for the numbers, I wish I can wean myself off it entirely, but I'll get there eventually. At first I made systems and told myself I'd update in a lot more art and doodles, but it ended up being that I rarely have time to art or doodle nowadays anyway.
Or maybe I do and it's just the various games taking up valuable time. Turns out simply running dailies on two gacha games alone takes up a good hour or two and that's running them concurrently. I've dropped all the other daily-grind games I had when I started working, realizing that a lot of them want to maximize your playtime - and fifteen minutes a day is no longer enough. Now it's an hour, two hours, for a piddly amount of reward that supposedly is Great when added up over the course of a month or so. (Spoiler alert: you get more if you paid them money, which takes like 10 seconds.)
So I dropped them. Easy enough. The amount of things I could get done within two hours was far more than the amount of reward I was getting from grinding those, and when it came to weekdays there simply was not enough time in the day to spend on those. Even if I did work from home, that time is probably going more into learning Ren'Py again, which I did yesterday. The reward I got for just messing around with their new functions (inbuilt parallax effects, my beloved!) was definitely way more than the tiny amount a gacha would dare give a lowly free-to-player.
I still play Limbus though. That's like the sole game I've found so far that isn't actively trying to make me sit and play - for now. So far Project Moon seems to be doing fine along that lines, their whale event isn't even a requirement to be able to play well, plus being able to bypass gacha entirely for the units you want is such a sweet deal. It's just a matter of time. Time also flies fast enough, so 3 months is barely a wait at this point.
That's a resource we can't get back, at least. Always will never appreciate how valuable time is until we realize we don't have enough. Maybe when Dawntrail drops I'll finally spend longer than 3 days on the MSQ, and slowly enjoy the time there rather than rushing to the endgame.
4/1/2024
I ended up using no frameworks and just typed this into the page by hand.
There was a heavy rain last night, and it didn't stop until the morning. One of the mornings where I wake up and things are still blue, plus there's a glorious cool wind freezing my toes off (which doesn't usually happen here on account of our weather forecast being permanent summer). Managed to actually sit at the balcony with a cup of hot tea and spicy noodle. Peak enjoyment.
I don't know what is in this sleeping tea that my ma bought, but it's kicked my ass to dreamland within a minute of my head hitting the pillow so hell yes.
Sorry to plaza.one but lately I've been blasting lofi.cafe instead... The soft vibes are real good in the morning. I'm not even a morning person I hate days that start in the mornings. Days that end in the mornings is where it's at. Enjoying the blue wash before the sun comes up, but I need blackout curtains to sleep afterwards or the sun will laser my ass.
There's probably not enough time to boot up the computer in the morning and ramble here before I go to work since I already use that time to journal and breakfast... But rambling here at night after work is good too except that I also need to sleep early otherwise I won't wake up in time.
I've started appreciating the small things more. Touched grass, as they called it. The sky makes blues I'll never be able to snap pics of, the wind fluffs my coat and makes me happy I'm wearing shorts to work. Charlie flopped his back onto me to take a floor nap yesterday and I napped with him (and he ditched me) but he was still warm and smelly while it lasted. He's having a good dream now, doing his little leg kickies under my desk. Wonder who's in his dream giving him such good scritches.